I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
porn star boner night. come get it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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