So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
