She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
