Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
