If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
