Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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