I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
