I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
