And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
