Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
