my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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