Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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