Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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