I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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