If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
