Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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