my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
