i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
