my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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