I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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