Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
