new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
