She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
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She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
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It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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