we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
