today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
