Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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