dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
