So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
