Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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