just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
