remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
