Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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