Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
