I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He? As in you personified your dick?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
