The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
