I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
