Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
