Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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