If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
