i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
