anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize