First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
