My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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