Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
