Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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