If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
