she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
