Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
