idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
