Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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