im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
