life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
