Dude my mom stole all your condoms
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
