I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
