i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
